BUTTERFINGER® Bar Insurance

My story is not one of someone taking my Butterfinger, but one of incredible horror. There is a conspiracy of the darkest kind. The kind that removes from me the right to have my Butterfinger! Where this conspiracy ends, I do not know. But I know that the stock market gurus, the fat cats in Washington, my job, my landlord, and the fruit vendor down at the corner are all in on it. They are all making sure I don't have any money to buy Butterfingers. So please, I need an insurance policy against this conspiracy.